In the face of recent shocking events – extremely cruel rampant of hate before and after the suicide of a teenager called by others “homo” – it is necessary to stress how important it is our – the parents’ – role in the development of our children’s emotional intelligence . As you can see, unfortunately after the sad fact, not all of us are aware of this and it is certainly not that easy. However, I invite you to explore it a bit more deepr and get know a reliable method of dealing with emotions.
How does it happen that toddlers are already challenging each other, curse? Teens cruelly terrorize their peers, lie, drink alcohol, get into a fight and commit crimes?
Well … This video explains a lot:
Are such situations not known to you? Have you not behaved just once like one of those parents? Have you not observed it just once as a child at your family home or already your children behaving like that? Of course I’m not talking about the rare cases when each of us has the right to incur anger and we can raise voice (but not a hand). Our children need to see our emotions, but what is more important – they need to see HOW we deal with them (I have written about this HERE). We are only human beings, but important is when we know the limits of a certain behavior.
Usually, the problem is spreading easily – we unconsciously take over the behavior of our parents and the environment in which we lived as a child, and then our children and grandchildren copy it beautifully, etc … So we are stuck in the so-called multi-generational vicious circle, about which many well-known mentors and psychologists (who I already mentioned on my blog), speak so loudly today.
Well, to come to the moment of learning methods of dealing with emotions, first we have to start from ourselves, namely – to know how we deal in our life with:
If these topics are obvious for us and familiar to us (used in practice ), it means that we are normal, maikng errors, but CONSCIOUS, OBJECTIVE PARENTS. Great!
Although the method of dealing with emotions – recommended by well-known all over the world Tracy Hogg – is for everyone, it is much easier to cope with it when you are an objective parent, because then you better know your child, yourself and your emotions.
What does this method mean then:
So this method is to serve as a reminder when our child feels something, we immediately help him identify emotions, and then tell how to behave respectively. We do not use this method only in extreme situations of our child’s rage attack, but during his normal day. In practice, it looks like this:
Describe the emotions – give our child the right to emotions, rather than persuade them or ignore them. We, the parents, are often hunters of confidence … Can we imagine how it feels to be a child who:
– fell over and is crying, and we say to him: “Do not whine, boys do not cry, nothing happened, I told you not to jump, you do not listen,” etc.? Instead, it is better to say: “You fell and hurt yourself, so happens, next time we will listen and be more careful”
– is awaiting a valid treatment in a hospital or blood taking and asks if it will hurt, and we say “no my baby, it won’t hurt,” while after the fact it really hurts and the child feels cheated, so no longer trust us. Is not it better to tell and describe him how it will really look? It helps us and our son is facing to such a treatments without fear and anxiety .
– has beed taken a toy in the sandbox and goes mad, and we say: “you need to share with others” etc. Yes, we can say so, but we need to add: “I know you’re angry when a friend takes your toy”. We can also quietly propose (not challenge or shout) to the other child to give back a toy, or that once one is playing, once the second child is playing with it, unless the situation gets complicated (the parent of the other child does not respond). However, if our child ceases to control his emotions (in our case so often happens), take him from the playground and give him time to cool down. Hold him firmly on your knees saying, “I see you’re angry, upset because …” but foresee restrictions “but you cannot return to the playground until you calm down.” It usually works and when our on calms down, we should hug and praise: “You very nicely calmed down yourself”
– we should also tell children about our feelings or about the feelings of others: “I am sad because my grandfather died,” “I am happy, when we go for a walk together,” or while watching a fairy tale: “Caillou is sad because his colleagues had gone home “,” The girl is crying, because she broke a toy “, etc.
Control the situation – actions speak louder than words especially for young children. There is no other choice – we must stop undesirable behavior, calling them and intervening physically, for example:
– If our child is misbehaving and has a tantrum outside the home, we need to let him know this is unacceptable behavior. We need to reverse him, sat on the floor and say, “You can not behave like that when we are in guest / when we go outside/ when we are shopping,” etc. If he does not stop behaving crazy, you go home / out of this place, as well as to rethink solutions for such situations in the future. Eg. Our son for some time did not like parties in the style of a masquerade, where he went mad, so we just stopped going to such events.
Intervene – tell our child what we expect after him and what he can do in return. If our child hit, kicked, took someone else’s toy / thing – we need to immediately intervene and show an alternative form of behavior:
– “I see that you want this mirror, but it is mummy’s mirror , I do not want to break it“. In return we offer: “Let’s go find something among your toys, which you will be able to play.” It is important not to discuss and explain in details, but offer the choice based on acceptable alternatives “qoudl you like some carrots or apple?”
It is also important that word “sorry” is spoken by a child and wordbacked by action, eg. giving back a toy taken from another child
To sum up:
Respect others and expect respect fom others
– Urge respect for each other, setting reasonable prohibitions and limits, as well as the expectation of courtesy, for example. words “please”, “thank you”
– Respect your child
– Keep emotions in control, not react excessively, do not scream out and not hit, let us remember that we are a model of emotional intelligence
– Let’s not talk about the problems of our child in front of friends, when the child hears it
-Take discipline as an opportunity to learn, not punishment – Allow your child to experience the consequences of behavior, but taking into account that they are appropriate to the stage of his development and suitable for the “crime”
– Praise good behavior: “you were listening very nicely“, “you really made effort to calm down”
All this helps strengthen the emotional intelligence of the child from his earliest years. Only by such methods, we can bring up our children to conscious adults, without any regret for the past, hate, and other undesirable social behavior.